‘Help me with imposter syndrome’
Dear Jess,
I am a senior leader in a male-dominated field and have quickly risen to my position. I am not from the the UK originally. I feel like I have established myself inside my organisation now but am struggling to increase my visibility in external environments. I often feel like I’m retreating and not speaking up with conviction. How do I get rid of this imposter syndrome?
Dear Leader,
Thank you for the question (you are an amalgam of a few coaching clients I’ve been working with recently – not all women it must be said). Ah, good ol’ imposter syndrome. That loud judgy voice tearing us down, in ways we would never dream of speaking to our friends and colleagues. But somehow knowing that is not the same as knowing it and being able to deal with it in the moment.
I could suggest you take some decent public speaking training and work on how you structure your ideas, strengthen your voice and work on your breath and posture when communicating. It might help you step up into your message rather than ‘retreat’. This is good stuff, after all, my drama school training as a fresh-faced 21 year old taught me that an ‘outside-in’ approach can quickly transform how you think and feel. I especially remember choosing a long heavy skirt for a character in a Gorky play – I immediately accessed her heaviness of spirit and solemn outlook. I truly felt her misery. So outside-in can work beautifully.
But what if you approached this inside-out? What if you slowed right down and asked yourself ‘what is this part of me that feels inadequate?’. I ask my clients to do just this. Slow down and get curious about this part (for more on ‘parts work’ see the wonderful body of work called Internal Family Systems). Perhaps this voice has something to say. Perhaps it is discerning a difference between you and industry colleagues at these events. You are different after all – female, not from the UK, and I imagine a touch younger than others in the room. So in fact, you are an imposter. Thank goodness! How that industry needs your voice!
But the part of you isn’t convinced; it criticises you harshly and you feel diminished. What is the voice trying to do then? I imagine, protect you. Caution you. ‘Don’t slip up, don’t say the wrong thing, don’t look foolish’ and on it goes. And so you retreat and say little. Totally understandable. Hiding away is indeed a sensible defence against slipping up and looking foolish. And yet. How much longer can you stay hidden? Another part of you is itching to speak up and tell that critic where to go. ‘Of course I have something to say!’, it says. ‘Of course I deserve this seat at the table!’
This is the human condition; our human psyches contain many different and sometimes conflicting parts of us that we need to come to terms with. That we can befriend and integrate. So try this: sit down with that part. And actively welcome it. Maybe you do this over a cup of tea and in your mind’s eye, maybe with a trusted friend or simply out onto a piece of paper. Write what that part is saying, write all of it. In the process, you are separating yourself from that part and will be able to see the ‘imposter’ voice more clearly, and what it is trying to do. Protect you. You are reminding yourself that you are more than this part. Much more. From that ‘whole self’, have a serious chat with it and see if you can persuade it to let you have a go. To let you speak up and offer your valuable perspective. It doesn’t need to worry so much. Confidence tends to follow action, not the other way around. Let the imposter voice have its say. And have yours anyway.